Saturday, November 21, 2015

Well Hello There... Again...

 Welcome back to the blog. I’m going to start this kind of short. A reintroduction to the way things are going to go and then a brief introduction to the way things are. 

I’m not going to do daily entries like I started with, maybe weekly or bi-weekly. And I’m not going to judge my daily matches (on rereading most of the blog [even I got bored], although I was trying to just describe, I sounded like a monster and a horrible person). I am actually super nice and I care deeply about other’s feelings. I might mention how many people have no pictures, but that’s about it. The matches refuse to update from my old address and I have moved far away from there anyway, so they are all Nos. I will definitely talk about the emails and since I edited my profile and knocked it down to a paragraph it seems to be much more active. Maybe it’s where I live, but I noticed on rereading the blog, that the profile I made that just repeated over and over again, “This says I need to write more so I’m writing words”, would get 100 emails a day. I should probably make it less real and less personal, because apparently, people pay money to meet fake people with no interests.

So, I feel I should start where I left off.  Things didn’t work out with the person who was the last entry and the end of the blog. Things had ended at that point and they started up again. He was my best friend and he was willing to take part in the things I always wanted to do, but could never get anyone to go along with. We went mountain climbing, repelling, zip-lining, white water rafting, camping, canoeing and anything I could think up. But in the end I felt he was drifting away. A couple months later someone else popped into my life and I realized I needed to end things with the first to allow myself to move on with anything. I felt horribly guilt ridden about the fact that I merely flirted with someone else while we were only in a casual relationship, but I’m not the type of person to cheat and I only have one brain regardless of the scenario. Anyway, I hadn’t seen him in weeks when it had started and our communication had gotten about just as rare. (To clarify I never did anything with the flirtation) We had another white water rafting trip planned for about a month away and I decided the break up needed to be in person (I owed him that much even if he wasn’t around), so I would break it off on that trip. We barely talked leading up to it, but things were normal on the trip. I did notice the mention of a new “long-time” female friend. (How are they long-time if you have never heard of them) But I let it go, because I knew it was over for me, even if it wasn’t for him. I needed more. I needed a constant and not an occasional best friend and partner (fighting about other women at that point would be stupid, I had my mind on someone else). So I had decided to break the news at the end of the trip. I knew he wouldn’t really take it hard, but I decided it was better not to risk getting pushed out of a boat in a class 5 rapid. Anyway, it went about oddly well. I dropped him off, I was busy checking my phone... He said goodbye and was walking to the house without so much as a hug and I realized. Shit! I didn’t drop the bombshell. So I yelled, “Wait! We have to talk.” He stopped. My only words were. “I think I’m going to start dating.” He said. “Ok.” And we hugged and I left. I felt horrible! But confused. I knew he wouldn’t show much emotion. At that point he hadn’t been present in months. I kind of thought it might be shock, but I knew it was the best thing for both of us. This would allow us to both move on freely and remain friends. Within the week facebook was covered with pictures of him and his new girlfriend. It was glaringly obvious that this didn’t just happen. She was in the picture for a while. We have mutual friends, who had sadly stayed quiet while we “dated.” I found out that not only had these two been together for the last month and a half of our relationship, there were many others and to top it off, when we started, I was the other woman. And to that girl. I am sorry. I had NO idea. I thought you were just a friend as I’m sure the others thought of me.  (And to the ones that suspected he was a cheating whore and I didn’t believe because they had no proof, I’m also sorry)  I’m not bitter about it. I don’t talk to him anymore, and it saddens me that he was never the person I thought he was to begin with. I thought he was just a man beaten down by bad relationships who needed a strong, consistent woman to prove that some women can be normal. I was wrong. And that’s okay. I’m not shattered by this. Sad, but not shattered. I had months to get over it before we broke it off and technically I’m the one who walked away.

The new guy did not work out either. I can’t be sure what the deal is there. He is afraid, he doesn’t think I’m attractive. I don’t know. We are two peas in a pod and we get along better then beans and cornbread, but he doesn’t want to try. So even though we are great friends now. It will probably be the end of us one day. Sad, but true. I can’t imagine a lasting friendship with someone I have feelings for. Whatever happens will hurt me. It’s not like I can change that. Maybe I’m a pessimist, maybe I’m a realist. I don’t know. I just know I can’t move throw life getting hurt repeatedly and know that I’m going to allow it to remain a constant in my life. If something is hurting you, you let it go. He’s great though. Best guy friend I may have possibly ever had. I honestly can’t think of anyone I was immediately at ease with as I am with him. My guard just dropped. I’m sad to say, that probably just makes it that much harder for the next guy. But I hope that’s not the case. I think it’s obvious through the course of this blog, my walls have been built pretty high and I don’t want to spend the rest of my years trying to break them down again. But maybe this has just taught me that although “we” aren’t meant for anything, there are people out there that just see you and you don’t have to think about the walls or the pain that you have been through. You can just be. I thought I had found that, but apparently, I was wrong.

So, I started online dating again as a distraction from the new one. Holy mother is that a crapfest… I’ll get to that next time.


Poll time!!

So I'm thinking about bringing the blog back. I'm back to dating. It would be nice to have a sounding board. Maybe less judgy and bitchy this time, but still funny. Anyone interested?

Sunday, February 8, 2015

A Final Farewell

So, I think this is a farewell to the blog. I’ve been through a little since the last posting and honestly, I didn’t want to put the other person through anything by me writing about him. Even though the break started before him. I’ve come to realize some things about myself and I’m just going to put them out there. I am one messed up little person. I am a self-saboteur! Anything in my life romantic that I even slightly hold dear, I will demolish and crush. It’s who I am. Perhaps it stems from past relationships, to be honest they have all been train wrecks. But in the name of honesty, I am the one common denominator in all of them.  Everyone says, I just chose the wrong men. But that’s not true. I purposely go out trying to select a different man and in the end he is the same. Clean cut, Tattooed, Military, Bartender, Blue-collar, white-collar, Hot, Not-So-Hot, Super-nice, Asshole, Geek, Popular. I’ve tried them all. I’m the thing that makes them the same. I will find your weakness and turn you into something you are not. Are you a career relationship kind of guy?  Want to change that? Go out on a hand full of dates with me and I guarantee that will change.

Don’t get me wrong, for most of the men I have dated, I’m the one that got away. I’m the one that they couldn’t commit to and they just didn’t know why. But for most of them, we remain friends. And after time, they question themselves. Never really understanding the enigma that is me. Well I’m here to fess up boys.  Get your pen and paper ready, and we will discuss what you need to change. Are you ready?

Nothing. It’s me. It’s always been me. I don’t come from a truly broken home. My daddy never touched me inappropriately. I’ve been burned and been burned a lot. I would have to say the first time was just bad timing. I had to work through some stuff that did happen to me and the poor guy just got the onslaught of it. I loved him, he loved me. But when faced with the fact that your love is not enough to save a person from self-implosion. I get it. He had to leave. Follow that up with the second love of my life. Who was so burned and scarred that he put me through the ringer and let me know on a daily basis that I was not enough. Oddly, at the same time he was my best friend and my counterpart. It made for a very weird result and ended after a 2 year on and off again split and the worst Valentine’s Day of my life.

I say love of my life willy-nilly. Why? Because I don’t think I have ever been truly in love.

I guess these two relationships coupled together to make me the chicken shit that I am today. Honestly, it’s not enough to warrant a real problem. Yet, it manifests. Freakishly, I’m still friends with the second one. And although we aren’t the best of friends, I still harbor feelings of attachment. Not of a romantic nature, but for the friendship we once held. Maybe that’s why I hardly ever throw anyone away. 90% of the men I have dated, I remain friends with. They have never hurt me deeply enough to sever the tie and after all, there had to be something there that brought us together. Recently, I slightly purged that list. Only of the ones I found to actually be unhealthy. The ones that were still in some way causing me harm, intentionally or not.

So this brings me to my one and only post about a long friend. There once was a boy from Nantucket. Who couldn’t carry water in a bucket, so he threw down his pale, grabbed a bottle of Ale and said Fuck it. Alright, that’s my best attempt at a light hearted poem at this time. Ok for real now. There once was a boy whose life encircled mine almost as long as I have lived it. Our paths rarely crossed, only one year to my knowledge even though we grew up and lived in the same circle. He knew my family. I knew everyone in his circle. Yet we just didn’t encounter each other very often. The one time we did, I developed a mad crush on him that continued the entire year, but after that it was done. There was never much more thought behind it. As time goes by and the normal things that happen, we became friends again, some 20 years later. Honestly, I never intentioned anything more than just being friends. I mean we had a slight flirtation on Facebook and I used that as my motivation to get out of my bad habits and start running again. No one wants to meet your old crush overweight. That’s still what happened, but regardless, we met again, we had fun. But there was nothing romantic. We shared common interests and had fun. A good friendship seemed to be the thing that would follow. Later, as luck would have it, with a dose of alcohol I drew a line in the sand, half joking, but he crossed it. I wish I hadn’t drawn the line or I wished he hadn’t crossed it afterwards.

The crossing of that line made things change and it brought out my inner demon. What probably could have been a great friendship is almost indefinitely irrevocably broken now, because I have an inner need to fuck things up. I knew he was broken, just as I am broken. And I took those issues and twisted them. I made sure he fought me and for that I am sorry. Not because it didn’t work out, but because it began at all. I shouldn’t have drawn the line in the sand. Now that it has been crossed I am not sure that I will be able to be a friend when he crosses that line with someone else. Not that I would in any way sabotage his happiness. I would just have to walk away entirely for my own sanity. Even though, I know what I’ve done. I would probably never be able to not draw the question of why not me. He will probably never read this and that’s okay and if he does, that’s fine too. I just need to put it out there on a public forum, that I am an ass. I am the truly broken and that I am sorry. We could have been great, but not in the way that most would think I mean. I’m not a good person. I’ve done things in my life that I will forever regret. The most important has been written in this blog before. I don’t hide what I do. I will forever regret the one commitment I needed to make and couldn’t. I will probably forever believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, but in that, the process of me going through this self-hate, I hope to never bring another good person down with me again. So, as I said, I don’t expect you will ever read this, but I’m sorry for what I did and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

As for the people who are actually reading this blog. I enjoyed reading your comments and emails. I don’t foresee myself partaking in any dating or anything noteworthy any time soon. And if I do decide to partake in that at some point, like everyone else on the planet, I should probably keep that between him and I. Besides, most likely, I’m just going to fuck it up anyway. LOL So, thank you for reading and may your life be filled with joy and hope for the future.

Happy Trails


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Judgment Day

I purely dating site related post.

1. Good lookin dude. Picture looks professional, yet in his backyard. Interesting. Very Posed. Age appropriate. Shows his hobbies. Really good posture and a tell-tale haircut. I'm looking at a Marine. Never married, wants kids, never had em. I say Yes. (Although I'm not motivated enough to follow that up with an email. I wonder what that does. I think it just throws me into their match rotation or maybe it sends them an email and says I'm interested. I really don't know) Damn I forgot to see how tall he was. Oh well.

2. Good lookin dude again. Fucking 30. Gimme a break. I don't need this crap. Although he is 6'2" and pretty cute. Only 2 pics, but they check out. Ehh. Fuck it. He sounds like me and like a grown up. Yes. Why the hell not. Moving on.

3. Freaking Bethesda, MD. If you followed this blog last year, you would know that was a hell no for me then. Well I moved an hour or better South of that location, so WTF are you showing me people a good 2 hours away at best. NOPE. Moving on.

4. Former Marine. Cute. Close to where I used to live. I can handle that commute, although I do not prefer it. I'll look further. 6'1" and 33. Ehhh. WTF I need more fire fighters in my life. Yes

5. Another Marylander and definitely not my type anyway. Not intrigued, not reading. Just moving on. Plus he writes in all caps. I don't need to be yelled at about how you WRITE POETRY!

6. He looks like he may have issues in all of his photos. Somehow this just makes me laugh. He's 34. I guess it's baby day! Personality is most important, we are going with yes.

7. HEY! He's 44. Thanks for someone older than me! I appreciate it. Weird selfies in the car. (This is almost as bad as the bathroom. Please, stop this) And one taken in the office where he is clearly trying to make it look like he didn't take it. Um, dude. We see your arm, may as well look at the camera. Anyway, Your pictures entertain me. Unfortunately, not in a good way. Moving on again.

8. 43, Good on the age part. Nice candid pics, taken by someone else. I don't know why, but I can just tell you. We would make polite party friends at a party where we don't know anyone and the host is busy. Other than that, we will probably find each other mildly annoying and wonder why everyone else likes the other. So, I'm going with no. (Yes, this is the path my brain takes on a regular basis)

9. No Picture. For those who may be joining us for the first time, this is an automatic GO FUCK YOURSELF! Having no picture means, not only will I not read the crap you spent time to type out on your dating profile, but I won't even look to see if you want kids, how tall you are or hell, if you're a man. It's an automatic fail and will be, here on out, just referred to as GO FUCK YOURSELF!

10. Not to be out done. We have another GO FUCK YOURSELF!

11. And one more for good measure. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! I gave him 3 exclamation points, because I felt he had become redundant.

This concludes our judging of the matches. Now we will judge our actual people showing interest. I will judge less harshly, because they put in effort and looked at me and said. WTF, It Valentine's Day. I'm eating a bag of Cheetohs...Alone... She might be more fun than orange fingers.

And A QUICK SIDE NOTE. I hadn't gotten around to actually clicking No on 11. We will just slightly (AND I MEAN SLIGHTLY) change his profile name. MURDERVILLE. YEP! He chose a screenname of "I'll Kill You Town" Seriously, Dude. Get therapy. And if you aren't a killer hoping for a funny moment in your stabbing spree. "Hey. I spelled it out for you. What were you expecting?" You have an IQ of 2. Also, I went back and checked 1's height and its 6 foot. Good enough for Government work. Unless Garners theory about all men who claim to be 6 foot are really 5'11 or shorter and don't want to admit it. Then this becomes problematic in heels. It was already problematic in heels, but it becomes grossly problematic.

I have 4 people who sent me a poke, so to speak.

One has a hidden profile. That seems weird and cheating.

Dear Mr. No2, You are too old for me and by too old, I mean by a lot. I said I wasn't going to be as mean, but you are pervy old.

Not pervy old. Slightly out of my age range, but he looks pervy old. More so than the first one. Maybe he's into Meth. OMG! I can't stop. I'm just a mean person. When did this happen? Probably at birth.

Nothing wrong with him but he's in his 20s. Probably trying to satisfy a Cougar goal, but afraid to commit to the full age gap. (That was nicer, right?)

I have 8 people who liked photos of mine

3 with hidden profiles. (Is this a thing now?)

2 Go Fuck Yourselves

1 Guy I looked at earlier. Perfectly acceptable, but he didn't want kids and its a deal breaker.

1 Oh wow. He's super short and really athletic. Right now I'd feel like I was hanging out with a tiny human or that I was a Gorilla. I'm not into the Gorilla feeling. Maybe I'll revisit when I've gotten back to a normal weight. LOL

1 His pictures are uber blurry and he won't tell me if he has kids or want them. He's divorced. Thats about all I know. Well, Mr. Blurry. You were nice and some how I'm intrigued by your almost Go Fuck Yourself photos. So now it's time to think of a non-committal way to return the nod. I will like one of your crappy photos. Take that!

A quick response to an email from the guy I said I probably wasn't interested in. I also noticed I have 2 Hi emails from the creepy old dude. Man, he's persistent!  Well that's enough for returning to old habits. I need to ease in a little bit.


Saturday, February 8, 2014

Back with a Vengeance

Ok, Vengeance might be a strong word. I've opened the portals and brought back online dating. It's not the whirlwind of activity that it once was now that I live in BFE, but whatever. Prepare for the returning of the judgment! I'm also going to try to start up the experiments. I just need to sit down and list as many as I can, so I can decide which ones I want to do first and which ones I can do solo and which ones require company. So be prepared for a more entertaining blog coming to a computer near you.

I will say I had 2 Go Fuck Yourselves in my matches this morning. I've been emailing one guy for a week, but I'm pretty sure I'm not interested. And I had a short conversation with a guy who got really creepy after he asked me about my height. And went on to talk about how God let my body grow and get strong. Some people need filters.


Monday, November 11, 2013


Forgive me. I've been reading poetry in school. No worries this will not turn into a poetry blog. :)


You stole a glance from across the room
You brushed my hand as you walked by
You nudged my knee under the table
Where did you come from?

I hadn't noticed you, but you invaded my space
I don't know how, but you contacted me
You knocked on my door asking to be let in
I didn't ask to be noticed

You made yourself at home inside of me
You coaxed me out of my dark places
You pushed down the walls I had built up
I didn't ask for this security

You placed me on a slippery slope and kissed my forehead
You let me compromise who I am and held me tight
You dominated my time and filled my mind
What did I do with my time before this?

You didn't say no when you should have
I would have agreed
You knew things would be strange
How was I supposed to know?

Quietly you came in
Loudly you stayed
Quietly you slipped away
I didn't ask to be forgotten

You stopped sending me messages
My body is long cold from your touch
My door sleeps quietly

Where did you go?


Friday, November 8, 2013

Psychicly Speaking

So first of all. I went to psychic reading. A friend of mine just went through a breakup and so I thought it would be a fun idea to go to a psychic. She has been my best friend since I was little and I thought this would be fun; even before the breakup. However, the time did not present itself. Soooooo, A month and a half later I made my gift clear. She was excited, so I scheduled the appointment immediately. This blog will only focus on my reading. Although, I will say I am a skeptic and much less giving than my friend was. When directly asked questions of value that rang true I pretended they did not hit a cord.  If requested I will post the audio I kept hidden under my leg. The same I requested she do when I found out we could not be present for each other's readings.

First off, I requested the crystal ball reading for both of us. It was supposed to be the most extensive and thorough reading. She asked me to place my hand on the ball and think of a positive person in my life. Easier said than done. I panicked, but settled on the Bestie who was waiting patiently in the waiting room for me as she had just gone.

The crystal showed to her that I had a long lifeline and she decided to throw a few tarot cards in (If I didn't mind). Apparently, the long lifeline was good and I wasn't supposed to die any time soon. So then she says the Crystal shows me medication. Who takes medication? My mom has diabetes and I have an eye condition, so I named those. She said no, Someone is taking medication and its going to be less.  Because this is after the fact I will interject the after now.  (2 days after I came home my aunt came to visit. She received a phone call from my other aunt who was removed from all her heart medication.)

The cards tell me you are a very honest person. You always try to be honest and kind. (Grant it, I figure this is most everyone's view of themselves.) But I give more than I receive. (I imagine this is typical for what most people believe. Again I will not give anything to her.) She says I came from a close knit family who loved and cared for one another. but we underwent some difficulty. We did undergo difficulty, but close knit seemed hard to come by, except I act like my nieces and nephews are my kids and I live with my mother. (Still seems pretty general except the unannounced drop in my aunt's medication.)

Then she asks about someone who was close to me who had passed. I said I didn't know of anyone. Then she said he was male. I recently lost a high school friend, but whatever, we haven't been close in years and if he wanted to hang around someone it would be his wife and kids. I didn't divulge this, so she said it could be my spirit guide. BUT he's good spirit.

There are changes and decisions I'm trying to make, but I'm in a stand still. (Fuck yeah! I got laid off and I live at home with my mammy!) Through your career you are a very hard worker, but you don't always get the appreciation you deserve. (Say what! I got fucking laid off! I think that says enough!!!! I still haven't mentioned this though) You have been in debt and been able to save money (Who hasn't). Financially, I see someone who is very stressed right now. Is this you? (Ummm, I don't have a fucking job and I just wasted a hundred bucks on 2 psychic readings. Maybe?) And I see debt and someone who is worried about debt. (Duh) You need to save and not spend, right now. (Duh!) Who doesn't in the middle of a government shut down? This was before that.

She sees legal documents I am going to sign in the next 6 months. (no clue, but pretty specific for a vague psychic.) I might need to consult a lawyer, but they will be positive. Who wants to own their own business (I started my own company when I got laid off, but I said I don't know) But their hands are very crucial to their job. (I'm an artist.) Maybe even teaching in some way. (I just went back to school to become a special education teacher, thinking my art would be a different way to reach the children.) What do you do? "I'm an artist" Well that's why your hands are very crucial to your work. Like I said, You are in a good line of work, you are very good at your work. To which I FINALLY responded, I don't have a job. "But you need to be in a better position." Really, lady, No position and you think I should be in better than nothing????  "I guess that translates to you are in a good position, but you need to be in a better position, but you need to be in a higher one. (Ok, thats a cake walk, I could predict that part)

I see part time work for you. Are you looking for jobs? "No. I'm going to school." There is still something part time coming up in the next year or so. Financially, I see a long money line and extra classes in your future. (I just told you, I went back to school.) No I feel, you are going to own your own business. In the arts. You are going to be your own person and success. (Ok, thats a little specific considering, I haven't even turned my webpage public.)

I see a trip overseas in the next two summers. (I may be poor now, but I have signed up to study art in Italy for a semester. Well I haven't actually signed up, but I will. I've spoken to my teacher about it and there is no formal record of that.) Some where you have always wanted to go.

I see a male, someone significant around you. Is there someone you are seeing right now? "Not in a good way" But it is someone you care for very much and feel attached to. But you have been very hurt by this male (Now grant it that is general and my mind was torn between the future baby daddy and Richmond.) Now you have been very hurt by this male, is he someone from your past? "Yes" (I've known Richmond for about 7 years and I've been with the future baby daddy for over a decade. But still who doesn't have issues with men from their past) I see that he cares about you but he comes with a lot of baggage. He is very stressed right now. I see another female that is around him right now. She confuses him. Do you know who this is? (At the time I could only think about Richmond. He has another woman who is constantly in play, but after I left the next time I saw the future baby daddy, he had pictures of him and another woman in his house. He tried to play it off, but I am certain I looked at those frames before and they were of landscape scenes. He has been secretly seeing someone else and trying to hide it.[Clearly, I had been seeing other people in that time frame as well, but I don't hide it and for the last couple months it seemed clear it was just us]) You weigh very heavy on his mind, but you are not getting from him what you want. (I'm 35, I want a baby. DUH!) One minute he shows that he loves you and he cares. The next he is a total different person. (Either one) I see distance, I see intimacy, I see communication is not the way it used to be, (DUH!) You and him, in the beginning it wasn't like this, it was very positive. (Yep, for both) The more time goes by the more this changes. The crystal shows me you have been shedding tears. (YEP) You carry a smile on your face, but it is not coming from your heart. Your heart is not as fulfilled as you want it to be. (I want to be a mother before I can't, of course its not! And I wouldn't mind being in a happy HEALTHY relationship!)

Your living environment you are not very happy there. What is going on? "I live with my mother." Its stressful, not that its bad. (DEAD ON) You feel like you should be somewhere different. (DUH! I live with my mother and I'm 35!!!!!) The cards show me that you should be more settled, more content, but you are not.

God is very much around you, I see good, but you aura is very dark. I see that it has lost its color and you carry negative energy with you. (wouldn't you?) What is the alcohol abuse? (Ummmmmmmmm. I'm an alchie? And no I didn't show up drunk or hung over. It was a good day.) "Well I drink a fair amount." Well I see it in your bloodline.

I see three children for you, Do you have kids? "No." Oh my gosh. I see three pregnancies for you. I see a marriage line. No divorce line. I see a move for you. You will not be living with your mother forever. "Well that would be good." It will change sooner than you think.

The crystal shows me a physical transformation. (I need to get off my ass and put down the bacon!) She says it will be good.

A new pet around me. (Not likely.)

What are your questions? "None, really. I just wanted to know about kids."

I see 3 pregnancies for you. 2 girls and a boy. No miscarriages. (Well that's pretty significant and detailed.) They will all be close in age. Do twins run in your bloodline? (The would have to be, The clock is running out, but no twins in my bloodline. [However on further investigation they do run in the Future Baby Daddy's bloodline]) "I don't think so" Well than they will be one after the other. The male I see in your life. He cares and is sincere. He has a lot of growing up to do. The female is confusing him. He has a lot of changes to make, but I feel he will. I feel through love through marriage you will be very happy. (Good thing she didn't specify with either of them because they are now both over!)

Do you have any other questions? "No. Not really." The cards show me that your social life has been lacking, a lot of school and home and school and home. (Well that's fucking true!) You have been under a lot of stress and you need to start working on yourself.

Then she offered me an aura cleansing, which I may add she did not offer my counterpart. I guess I'm just a dark bitch!