So, I think this is a farewell to the blog. I’ve been through a little since the last posting and honestly, I didn’t want to put the other person through anything by me writing about him. Even though the break started before him. I’ve come to realize some things about myself and I’m just going to put them out there. I am one messed up little person. I am a self-saboteur! Anything in my life romantic that I even slightly hold dear, I will demolish and crush. It’s who I am. Perhaps it stems from past relationships, to be honest they have all been train wrecks. But in the name of honesty, I am the one common denominator in all of them. Everyone says, I just chose the wrong men. But that’s not true. I purposely go out trying to select a different man and in the end he is the same. Clean cut, Tattooed, Military, Bartender, Blue-collar, white-collar, Hot, Not-So-Hot, Super-nice, Asshole, Geek, Popular. I’ve tried them all. I’m the thing that makes them the same. I will find your weakness and turn you into something you are not. Are you a career relationship kind of guy? Want to change that? Go out on a hand full of dates with me and I guarantee that will change.
Don’t get me wrong, for most of the men I have dated, I’m the one that got away. I’m the one that they couldn’t commit to and they just didn’t know why. But for most of them, we remain friends. And after time, they question themselves. Never really understanding the enigma that is me. Well I’m here to fess up boys. Get your pen and paper ready, and we will discuss what you need to change. Are you ready?
Nothing. It’s me. It’s always been me. I don’t come from a truly broken home. My daddy never touched me inappropriately. I’ve been burned and been burned a lot. I would have to say the first time was just bad timing. I had to work through some stuff that did happen to me and the poor guy just got the onslaught of it. I loved him, he loved me. But when faced with the fact that your love is not enough to save a person from self-implosion. I get it. He had to leave. Follow that up with the second love of my life. Who was so burned and scarred that he put me through the ringer and let me know on a daily basis that I was not enough. Oddly, at the same time he was my best friend and my counterpart. It made for a very weird result and ended after a 2 year on and off again split and the worst Valentine’s Day of my life.
I say love of my life willy-nilly. Why? Because I don’t think I have ever been truly in love.
I guess these two relationships coupled together to make me the chicken shit that I am today. Honestly, it’s not enough to warrant a real problem. Yet, it manifests. Freakishly, I’m still friends with the second one. And although we aren’t the best of friends, I still harbor feelings of attachment. Not of a romantic nature, but for the friendship we once held. Maybe that’s why I hardly ever throw anyone away. 90% of the men I have dated, I remain friends with. They have never hurt me deeply enough to sever the tie and after all, there had to be something there that brought us together. Recently, I slightly purged that list. Only of the ones I found to actually be unhealthy. The ones that were still in some way causing me harm, intentionally or not.
So this brings me to my one and only post about a long friend. There once was a boy from Nantucket. Who couldn’t carry water in a bucket, so he threw down his pale, grabbed a bottle of Ale and said Fuck it. Alright, that’s my best attempt at a light hearted poem at this time. Ok for real now. There once was a boy whose life encircled mine almost as long as I have lived it. Our paths rarely crossed, only one year to my knowledge even though we grew up and lived in the same circle. He knew my family. I knew everyone in his circle. Yet we just didn’t encounter each other very often. The one time we did, I developed a mad crush on him that continued the entire year, but after that it was done. There was never much more thought behind it. As time goes by and the normal things that happen, we became friends again, some 20 years later. Honestly, I never intentioned anything more than just being friends. I mean we had a slight flirtation on Facebook and I used that as my motivation to get out of my bad habits and start running again. No one wants to meet your old crush overweight. That’s still what happened, but regardless, we met again, we had fun. But there was nothing romantic. We shared common interests and had fun. A good friendship seemed to be the thing that would follow. Later, as luck would have it, with a dose of alcohol I drew a line in the sand, half joking, but he crossed it. I wish I hadn’t drawn the line or I wished he hadn’t crossed it afterwards.
The crossing of that line made things change and it brought out my inner demon. What probably could have been a great friendship is almost indefinitely irrevocably broken now, because I have an inner need to fuck things up. I knew he was broken, just as I am broken. And I took those issues and twisted them. I made sure he fought me and for that I am sorry. Not because it didn’t work out, but because it began at all. I shouldn’t have drawn the line in the sand. Now that it has been crossed I am not sure that I will be able to be a friend when he crosses that line with someone else. Not that I would in any way sabotage his happiness. I would just have to walk away entirely for my own sanity. Even though, I know what I’ve done. I would probably never be able to not draw the question of why not me. He will probably never read this and that’s okay and if he does, that’s fine too. I just need to put it out there on a public forum, that I am an ass. I am the truly broken and that I am sorry. We could have been great, but not in the way that most would think I mean. I’m not a good person. I’ve done things in my life that I will forever regret. The most important has been written in this blog before. I don’t hide what I do. I will forever regret the one commitment I needed to make and couldn’t. I will probably forever believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, but in that, the process of me going through this self-hate, I hope to never bring another good person down with me again. So, as I said, I don’t expect you will ever read this, but I’m sorry for what I did and I hope that one day you can forgive me.
As for the people who are actually reading this blog. I enjoyed reading your comments and emails. I don’t foresee myself partaking in any dating or anything noteworthy any time soon. And if I do decide to partake in that at some point, like everyone else on the planet, I should probably keep that between him and I. Besides, most likely, I’m just going to fuck it up anyway. LOL So, thank you for reading and may your life be filled with joy and hope for the future.