Welcome back to the blog. I’m going to start this kind of short. A reintroduction to the way things are going to go and then a brief introduction to the way things are.
I’m not going to do daily entries like I started with, maybe weekly or bi-weekly. And I’m not going to judge my daily matches (on rereading most of the blog [even I got bored], although I was trying to just describe, I sounded like a monster and a horrible person). I am actually super nice and I care deeply about other’s feelings. I might mention how many people have no pictures, but that’s about it. The matches refuse to update from my old address and I have moved far away from there anyway, so they are all Nos. I will definitely talk about the emails and since I edited my profile and knocked it down to a paragraph it seems to be much more active. Maybe it’s where I live, but I noticed on rereading the blog, that the profile I made that just repeated over and over again, “This says I need to write more so I’m writing words”, would get 100 emails a day. I should probably make it less real and less personal, because apparently, people pay money to meet fake people with no interests.
So, I feel I should start where I left off. Things didn’t work out with the person who was the last entry and the end of the blog. Things had ended at that point and they started up again. He was my best friend and he was willing to take part in the things I always wanted to do, but could never get anyone to go along with. We went mountain climbing, repelling, zip-lining, white water rafting, camping, canoeing and anything I could think up. But in the end I felt he was drifting away. A couple months later someone else popped into my life and I realized I needed to end things with the first to allow myself to move on with anything. I felt horribly guilt ridden about the fact that I merely flirted with someone else while we were only in a casual relationship, but I’m not the type of person to cheat and I only have one brain regardless of the scenario. Anyway, I hadn’t seen him in weeks when it had started and our communication had gotten about just as rare. (To clarify I never did anything with the flirtation) We had another white water rafting trip planned for about a month away and I decided the break up needed to be in person (I owed him that much even if he wasn’t around), so I would break it off on that trip. We barely talked leading up to it, but things were normal on the trip. I did notice the mention of a new “long-time” female friend. (How are they long-time if you have never heard of them) But I let it go, because I knew it was over for me, even if it wasn’t for him. I needed more. I needed a constant and not an occasional best friend and partner (fighting about other women at that point would be stupid, I had my mind on someone else). So I had decided to break the news at the end of the trip. I knew he wouldn’t really take it hard, but I decided it was better not to risk getting pushed out of a boat in a class 5 rapid. Anyway, it went about oddly well. I dropped him off, I was busy checking my phone... He said goodbye and was walking to the house without so much as a hug and I realized. Shit! I didn’t drop the bombshell. So I yelled, “Wait! We have to talk.” He stopped. My only words were. “I think I’m going to start dating.” He said. “Ok.” And we hugged and I left. I felt horrible! But confused. I knew he wouldn’t show much emotion. At that point he hadn’t been present in months. I kind of thought it might be shock, but I knew it was the best thing for both of us. This would allow us to both move on freely and remain friends. Within the week facebook was covered with pictures of him and his new girlfriend. It was glaringly obvious that this didn’t just happen. She was in the picture for a while. We have mutual friends, who had sadly stayed quiet while we “dated.” I found out that not only had these two been together for the last month and a half of our relationship, there were many others and to top it off, when we started, I was the other woman. And to that girl. I am sorry. I had NO idea. I thought you were just a friend as I’m sure the others thought of me. (And to the ones that suspected he was a cheating whore and I didn’t believe because they had no proof, I’m also sorry) I’m not bitter about it. I don’t talk to him anymore, and it saddens me that he was never the person I thought he was to begin with. I thought he was just a man beaten down by bad relationships who needed a strong, consistent woman to prove that some women can be normal. I was wrong. And that’s okay. I’m not shattered by this. Sad, but not shattered. I had months to get over it before we broke it off and technically I’m the one who walked away.
The new guy did not work out either. I can’t be sure what the deal is there. He is afraid, he doesn’t think I’m attractive. I don’t know. We are two peas in a pod and we get along better then beans and cornbread, but he doesn’t want to try. So even though we are great friends now. It will probably be the end of us one day. Sad, but true. I can’t imagine a lasting friendship with someone I have feelings for. Whatever happens will hurt me. It’s not like I can change that. Maybe I’m a pessimist, maybe I’m a realist. I don’t know. I just know I can’t move throw life getting hurt repeatedly and know that I’m going to allow it to remain a constant in my life. If something is hurting you, you let it go. He’s great though. Best guy friend I may have possibly ever had. I honestly can’t think of anyone I was immediately at ease with as I am with him. My guard just dropped. I’m sad to say, that probably just makes it that much harder for the next guy. But I hope that’s not the case. I think it’s obvious through the course of this blog, my walls have been built pretty high and I don’t want to spend the rest of my years trying to break them down again. But maybe this has just taught me that although “we” aren’t meant for anything, there are people out there that just see you and you don’t have to think about the walls or the pain that you have been through. You can just be. I thought I had found that, but apparently, I was wrong.
So, I started online dating again as a distraction from the new one. Holy mother is that a crapfest… I’ll get to that next time.