Thursday, December 17, 2015

I Have the Best Vagina

You know how you see in movies about the last good day, or the last moment you ever spent with someone (Yes I actually watched “The Fault in our Stars” even after the Garner lookalike recommended the book on my solo cruise and I cried my eyes out and ended up sleeping with my hairstylist [God I am a giant whore]). I think that only applies to cancer and death. If you knew it was the last time you were going to spend with someone and you knew it was their choice, regardless of the reasoning. You wouldn’t make it a good day. You would fight and call them stupid and argue and try to reason. Even if you knew it was what was best for that person. It’s only if there is a mutual feeling of love that is truly warranted and the situation is out of their control, that you would try to make it the best day ever. Otherwise, it would probably end up in a need to fulfill your own need for greatness.

This is why I have chosen to keep my goodbye a secret. I just wanted a few days devoted to the greatness of us. A few days that I could remember fondly after the fact and hopefully so could he. Not days that were tainted with other people or fighting or trying to convince me I’m making a bad choice. I’m not going to lie. I have dreamed about the grand gesture. The not just walking up to me and saying I was wrong, I’m sorry I put you through that, but the flowers or something thought out. The I’m standing in your driveway with a boombox above my head moment. The I came to this notion on my own and I’m sorry I put you through all that stuff, but please see what’s in my heart, please see that I was scared “moment”. But I know that isn’t coming. I know that isn’t what this is about.

I have affectionately named his new girlfriend “The Straw.” She is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Probably even more so since I am the reason they met. The thing that made me wake up and say enough is enough. I can’t live like this. He makes more sense to me than any other person ever has. But in a fucked up world where everyone falls at his feet I am nothing, but lint. I don’t want to be lint.

This is going to be a hard day for me tomorrow. And I imagine a couple weeks to follow until I find my norm again. I can’t promise that my “Year of Single” is going to hold true for the entire year and I hope it doesn’t, but I don’t pursue much. I prefer a time when men pursued women and it wasn’t a mass attack to see who responds and then pick the one you most see fit, the one with the smallest ass or the most promising career in a zombie apocalypse. I miss the times of coveting. I miss being pursued and not being pursued while a man pursues 900 other women.

We have fallen into a weird time where women accept anything as long as it comes with a penis. It’s now fine to treat a woman like shit and we feel validated when we become the chosen one. “Well I was up against 900 vaginas, but he chose to stick with mine! I’m the BEST vagina!’ Well fuck that! You can’t have my vagina. My vagina is off limits. You need to prove yourself to me. If that means I stay single until we are all old and wrinkly in a retirement home and you finally figure out that my age is going to continue to defy gravity, then so be it. But at that point, I hope I fall in love with the guy who loved a woman for years that nursed and raised his children and that he loved unconditionally. That he thought he would never find love again, but unfortunately she died of some fatal disease or car crash. And when we die, he is laid to rest next to that woman he loved most of his life and my ashes are spread somewhere that I was happy. And I can live my afterlife happy knowing that I didn’t fuck anyone else over.

Love Always

(In all my craziness [At least I know I am a nutcase!])

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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Letting Go

Dealing with a slight bit of disappointment tonight, but at least I have several positive things in my life to look forward to. I am faced with the reality that it is me. I wish people would just be honest. Especially, when you ask them to just be honest. When you spell out the words that they need to say, even if they are painful. They just have to agree. I’m faced again with looking at what is wrong with me. And honestly, I am me, this is the way god made me. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m tired of being in a friendship that causes self-loathing when I worked so hard to get to a place where I was happy with me. I’m now 15 pounds heavier than I was when all this bullshit started and I don’t want to continue to eat my feelings.

I can’t help people see the good in me, the worth in me, or anything about me. If I have to prove my validation, I was never valid to them in the first place. I have come to the realization that I need to cut bait, before things get ugly, because that is the only way they are going to turn out.  I wish I could forgive and forget. Part of me can forgive, but I can’t forget. It was one thing when the other person was so great (apparently) that they couldn’t see not trying it with that person. It’s another thing entirely when everyone is worth trying but me.

I can’t say there is anything wrong with that person. It is okay to not be attracted to someone. It is okay to not want to be with them. But unfortunately, I was led astray to begin with so I developed feelings. And now those feelings are real regardless. I am only on a path to repeated hurt. And now being hurt by something that I myself have set into motion, by simply caring about another’s wellbeing. Like I said, that part is not their fault, but I would rather leave before I hate them, than wait around until I do.

Every day, I get a little more indifferent. Every day, I get a little more annoyed. All of the other times were filled with giddy, stupid happy, but that hasn’t happened in a couple of weeks. I fear the tide is changing. The end is approaching and I just need to excuse myself before its conclusion. This friendship is holding me back from finding what I should.  Its stopping me from being happy.  In the end I will end up unhappy AND forgotten by someone I cared about. I’d rather just be forgotten.

I’ve been thinking about it and I tried to the “summer of single.” That didn’t work out too well because I just ended up fucking my best friend all summer. I think I need to do the year of single and have it actually be exactly that. No men, just me. No fuck buddies, no booty calls, no distractions.

I have pretty much given up on having children of my own.  I’m at the end of my genetic cycle and making this stay single decision probably puts the nail in that coffin. I had decided it wasn’t a deal breaker any more with a guy I had dated last winter (not because of him, he was ready to marry me and even decided he wanted more children, because I had never had them [I however, was not onboard with any of this]). I don’t think there is enough time left to meet someone, fall in love and have things take a natural progression. So that leaves, artificial options. Which I am not opposed to at all. I think it is a wonderful thing. I’m just not sure it’s a wonderful thing for me.

I always thought I would be a mother. I thought it was in my bones from the moment I was born. I babysat. I stole both of my brothers’ children for every spare weekend I could manage. I was a nanny. I’m the favorite aunty to all of my friends’ kids. I was supposed to be a mother. A course I was supposed to fulfill. But it’s something I have never been able to go ahead and commit to on my own. Maybe one day I will adopt, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me. And that is something I need to deal with.

So new year, new me and all that jazz. Clean slate. Just me. Just getting to be happy being with me again. Learning to sit in silence. I don’t like living in a new city alone and having almost no one here I can talk to or hang out with, but I have some plans to join some exercise programs and do some other things. So perhaps I will meet new friends and develop a life by myself. And then one day a LONG, LONG time away, I will share it with another person.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Lesbianism Just Won't Work

So, I planned on blogging tonight, but I don’t feel like it. I thought of a title and boom outta my brain. Sooo, I’m just going to start typing and see if it comes back…

I know I wanted to talk about false intimacy. I can’t deal with it or forced intimacy. I don’t know why there is no in between. It seems the guys I meet are full blast ahead or go fuck yourself. I need to take it kind of slowly. Not extremely slow, but I’d like a normal transition. I dated a guy briefly at the end of last winter. He was completely up my butt. I tried to cool my need for flight, but after a month of talking to someone through email and phone, to have them proposing marriage, saying they have rethought their stance on having more kids because I have never had children, and telling me they will quit their job to relocate to me. And they just want to take care of me. It’s super sweet and EXTREMELY overwhelming. The super weird thing is, half the time I felt like I was carrying our conversation. So one day, he gave me a one word response. There really was no follow up to it. So I let it go. I just never said anything else… ever. But neither did he. And that’s what I’m talking about. 
False intimacy. People project what they want on anyone and it doesn’t even matter. They see it’s not working and yet they still push. I’m not stuck on myself, but I realize I am an attractive girl with a good personality and I’m funny, plus I enjoy almost anything active. Unless you are a couch potato, I am your dream girl. The problem is chemistry. I’m not a perfect 10, I’m not super skinny, so that knocks me out of a lot of guy’s playing fields. When you add salary and intelligence in, that puts me in a smaller playing field, add in sarcasm and compatible personalities and we are maybe looking at 5% that want to even see if it’s a go. But on paper, I look good, so there are guys out there who just want to push even when it’s apparent we can’t even get to the phone number exchange.

I was completely prepared to talk about the guy who flipped his lid about me working late. But I don’t feel like it, maybe another blog.

Then there is the other extreme. Those who won’t try. Things look good, you have honest open communication. Funny, honest, familiar, genuine times. And they pass it over for the next false intimacy. I don’t get it. It is the trap I most often fall into. I don’t fall for the bull shit, I fall for the real, but unavailable. Or maybe I don’t, perhaps this is false intimacy, I’m just seeing it from the other side. I have fallen in love with my best friend more times than I have not.

I have found that I prefer male BFFs to female. I have 3 female best friends and they will always claim those titles. I don’t see new ones ever being added nor do I want them.  But the male/female BFF relationship has benefits and draw backs. A. I am never going to walk in on him making out with my boyfriend on New Year’s Eve or have to endure a conversation where my boyfriend confesses he got drunk and had sex with my BFF. Yes those are both scenarios from my life and not the same female best friend. Most females seem to only want the dick. They want the ring on their finger and it doesn’t matter how it gets there. It’s only when they get a ring on their finger that they realize what they lost in the game.

The B side to that album, of course, is that you run the risk of falling for your best friend and it not being reciprocated. So, then you are stuck in a cycle of self-hate that you cannot get out of, because you love the person who makes you hate yourself. Which also makes you hate them.

But, back to the female best friend looking for her own gain. I’ve never been that person. I’m not saying I haven’t made my mistakes, but I’ve never done anything with anyone that I didn’t fully understand the consequences and knew that person hadn’t already worn out their 3 strikes and they are out policy. Yes I actually institute that rule. It shouldn’t take 3 strikes, but I have a hard time walking away from people. Everyone makes mistakes. Cheating on me is a 1 time and you are out scenario.

So I started talking to a new guy. Clearly I realized, I was drunk (the next morning) when I responded. He lives an hour away, that’s not my bag. He makes quite a bit less money than me. Which isn’t a deal for most things, but I’ve dated guys who earn a lot less and generally I support our trips or they get mad at the way I spend money. I’m not interested in either. You don’t have to make more, you just need to keep your own.

So, New guy is both, he makes less and lives far away. But he’s really sweet. And he’s kind of cute. He’s also taller than me and he has blue eyes. He also has 4 kids. I have gotten far less picky on the kid front after my last fling. It was never the kids I had a problem with it was their mamas.  I didn’t want to deal with that lasting nemesis. But after the last one, I realized, it’s not really that hard unless that guy is still in love with his children’s mother.

I also decided over a year ago that having children of my own is no longer a deal breaker. I‘m at the end of my cycle. For that to happen naturally and a relationship to take its natural course is highly unlikely. It’s a give or take at the moment. I give in to a relationship or I decided to take hold of my fate and not date and have a kid on my own. I struggle with this.

But I can’t help but say WTF, when the new guy is sending me videos of his house plans narrated and telling me where my art studio will nicely fit in… I feel the need to say SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. And stop asking me if I’m thinking about you every minute of the day. Yes, you cross my mind, but the more you ask me about it and what I was thinking when it happened, the more I want to tell you to go fuck yourself. Mainly, because that’s all it is. You cross my mind, in a, “That person exists and they seem to like me. They are nice and cute… kind of way. Not the OMFG I just met my future husband kind of way.”  And now you have asked me to articulate that and I don’t lie, so that’s very difficult. So you get short. I was busy so I didn’t have time to ponder it answers.

But the fact of the matter is, I’m angry. I am angry with the male population. I’m angry at being led on, I’m angry at not being chosen, I’m angry at having to live with that fact every day. So when something happens, I want to walk away from everyone. Why because even nice guys end up being assholes and nothing works out. I’m pretty tired. I’m tired of all of this. I’d say I think lesbianism looks good, but I know what a hot mess I am, I can’t imagine trying to date someone just like me!

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Well Hello There... Again...

 Welcome back to the blog. I’m going to start this kind of short. A reintroduction to the way things are going to go and then a brief introduction to the way things are. 

I’m not going to do daily entries like I started with, maybe weekly or bi-weekly. And I’m not going to judge my daily matches (on rereading most of the blog [even I got bored], although I was trying to just describe, I sounded like a monster and a horrible person). I am actually super nice and I care deeply about other’s feelings. I might mention how many people have no pictures, but that’s about it. The matches refuse to update from my old address and I have moved far away from there anyway, so they are all Nos. I will definitely talk about the emails and since I edited my profile and knocked it down to a paragraph it seems to be much more active. Maybe it’s where I live, but I noticed on rereading the blog, that the profile I made that just repeated over and over again, “This says I need to write more so I’m writing words”, would get 100 emails a day. I should probably make it less real and less personal, because apparently, people pay money to meet fake people with no interests.

So, I feel I should start where I left off.  Things didn’t work out with the person who was the last entry and the end of the blog. Things had ended at that point and they started up again. He was my best friend and he was willing to take part in the things I always wanted to do, but could never get anyone to go along with. We went mountain climbing, repelling, zip-lining, white water rafting, camping, canoeing and anything I could think up. But in the end I felt he was drifting away. A couple months later someone else popped into my life and I realized I needed to end things with the first to allow myself to move on with anything. I felt horribly guilt ridden about the fact that I merely flirted with someone else while we were only in a casual relationship, but I’m not the type of person to cheat and I only have one brain regardless of the scenario. Anyway, I hadn’t seen him in weeks when it had started and our communication had gotten about just as rare. (To clarify I never did anything with the flirtation) We had another white water rafting trip planned for about a month away and I decided the break up needed to be in person (I owed him that much even if he wasn’t around), so I would break it off on that trip. We barely talked leading up to it, but things were normal on the trip. I did notice the mention of a new “long-time” female friend. (How are they long-time if you have never heard of them) But I let it go, because I knew it was over for me, even if it wasn’t for him. I needed more. I needed a constant and not an occasional best friend and partner (fighting about other women at that point would be stupid, I had my mind on someone else). So I had decided to break the news at the end of the trip. I knew he wouldn’t really take it hard, but I decided it was better not to risk getting pushed out of a boat in a class 5 rapid. Anyway, it went about oddly well. I dropped him off, I was busy checking my phone... He said goodbye and was walking to the house without so much as a hug and I realized. Shit! I didn’t drop the bombshell. So I yelled, “Wait! We have to talk.” He stopped. My only words were. “I think I’m going to start dating.” He said. “Ok.” And we hugged and I left. I felt horrible! But confused. I knew he wouldn’t show much emotion. At that point he hadn’t been present in months. I kind of thought it might be shock, but I knew it was the best thing for both of us. This would allow us to both move on freely and remain friends. Within the week facebook was covered with pictures of him and his new girlfriend. It was glaringly obvious that this didn’t just happen. She was in the picture for a while. We have mutual friends, who had sadly stayed quiet while we “dated.” I found out that not only had these two been together for the last month and a half of our relationship, there were many others and to top it off, when we started, I was the other woman. And to that girl. I am sorry. I had NO idea. I thought you were just a friend as I’m sure the others thought of me.  (And to the ones that suspected he was a cheating whore and I didn’t believe because they had no proof, I’m also sorry)  I’m not bitter about it. I don’t talk to him anymore, and it saddens me that he was never the person I thought he was to begin with. I thought he was just a man beaten down by bad relationships who needed a strong, consistent woman to prove that some women can be normal. I was wrong. And that’s okay. I’m not shattered by this. Sad, but not shattered. I had months to get over it before we broke it off and technically I’m the one who walked away.

The new guy did not work out either. I can’t be sure what the deal is there. He is afraid, he doesn’t think I’m attractive. I don’t know. We are two peas in a pod and we get along better then beans and cornbread, but he doesn’t want to try. So even though we are great friends now. It will probably be the end of us one day. Sad, but true. I can’t imagine a lasting friendship with someone I have feelings for. Whatever happens will hurt me. It’s not like I can change that. Maybe I’m a pessimist, maybe I’m a realist. I don’t know. I just know I can’t move throw life getting hurt repeatedly and know that I’m going to allow it to remain a constant in my life. If something is hurting you, you let it go. He’s great though. Best guy friend I may have possibly ever had. I honestly can’t think of anyone I was immediately at ease with as I am with him. My guard just dropped. I’m sad to say, that probably just makes it that much harder for the next guy. But I hope that’s not the case. I think it’s obvious through the course of this blog, my walls have been built pretty high and I don’t want to spend the rest of my years trying to break them down again. But maybe this has just taught me that although “we” aren’t meant for anything, there are people out there that just see you and you don’t have to think about the walls or the pain that you have been through. You can just be. I thought I had found that, but apparently, I was wrong.

So, I started online dating again as a distraction from the new one. Holy mother is that a crapfest… I’ll get to that next time.


Poll time!!

So I'm thinking about bringing the blog back. I'm back to dating. It would be nice to have a sounding board. Maybe less judgy and bitchy this time, but still funny. Anyone interested?

Sunday, February 8, 2015

A Final Farewell

So, I think this is a farewell to the blog. I’ve been through a little since the last posting and honestly, I didn’t want to put the other person through anything by me writing about him. Even though the break started before him. I’ve come to realize some things about myself and I’m just going to put them out there. I am one messed up little person. I am a self-saboteur! Anything in my life romantic that I even slightly hold dear, I will demolish and crush. It’s who I am. Perhaps it stems from past relationships, to be honest they have all been train wrecks. But in the name of honesty, I am the one common denominator in all of them.  Everyone says, I just chose the wrong men. But that’s not true. I purposely go out trying to select a different man and in the end he is the same. Clean cut, Tattooed, Military, Bartender, Blue-collar, white-collar, Hot, Not-So-Hot, Super-nice, Asshole, Geek, Popular. I’ve tried them all. I’m the thing that makes them the same. I will find your weakness and turn you into something you are not. Are you a career relationship kind of guy?  Want to change that? Go out on a hand full of dates with me and I guarantee that will change.

Don’t get me wrong, for most of the men I have dated, I’m the one that got away. I’m the one that they couldn’t commit to and they just didn’t know why. But for most of them, we remain friends. And after time, they question themselves. Never really understanding the enigma that is me. Well I’m here to fess up boys.  Get your pen and paper ready, and we will discuss what you need to change. Are you ready?

Nothing. It’s me. It’s always been me. I don’t come from a truly broken home. My daddy never touched me inappropriately. I’ve been burned and been burned a lot. I would have to say the first time was just bad timing. I had to work through some stuff that did happen to me and the poor guy just got the onslaught of it. I loved him, he loved me. But when faced with the fact that your love is not enough to save a person from self-implosion. I get it. He had to leave. Follow that up with the second love of my life. Who was so burned and scarred that he put me through the ringer and let me know on a daily basis that I was not enough. Oddly, at the same time he was my best friend and my counterpart. It made for a very weird result and ended after a 2 year on and off again split and the worst Valentine’s Day of my life.

I say love of my life willy-nilly. Why? Because I don’t think I have ever been truly in love.

I guess these two relationships coupled together to make me the chicken shit that I am today. Honestly, it’s not enough to warrant a real problem. Yet, it manifests. Freakishly, I’m still friends with the second one. And although we aren’t the best of friends, I still harbor feelings of attachment. Not of a romantic nature, but for the friendship we once held. Maybe that’s why I hardly ever throw anyone away. 90% of the men I have dated, I remain friends with. They have never hurt me deeply enough to sever the tie and after all, there had to be something there that brought us together. Recently, I slightly purged that list. Only of the ones I found to actually be unhealthy. The ones that were still in some way causing me harm, intentionally or not.

So this brings me to my one and only post about a long friend. There once was a boy from Nantucket. Who couldn’t carry water in a bucket, so he threw down his pale, grabbed a bottle of Ale and said Fuck it. Alright, that’s my best attempt at a light hearted poem at this time. Ok for real now. There once was a boy whose life encircled mine almost as long as I have lived it. Our paths rarely crossed, only one year to my knowledge even though we grew up and lived in the same circle. He knew my family. I knew everyone in his circle. Yet we just didn’t encounter each other very often. The one time we did, I developed a mad crush on him that continued the entire year, but after that it was done. There was never much more thought behind it. As time goes by and the normal things that happen, we became friends again, some 20 years later. Honestly, I never intentioned anything more than just being friends. I mean we had a slight flirtation on Facebook and I used that as my motivation to get out of my bad habits and start running again. No one wants to meet your old crush overweight. That’s still what happened, but regardless, we met again, we had fun. But there was nothing romantic. We shared common interests and had fun. A good friendship seemed to be the thing that would follow. Later, as luck would have it, with a dose of alcohol I drew a line in the sand, half joking, but he crossed it. I wish I hadn’t drawn the line or I wished he hadn’t crossed it afterwards.

The crossing of that line made things change and it brought out my inner demon. What probably could have been a great friendship is almost indefinitely irrevocably broken now, because I have an inner need to fuck things up. I knew he was broken, just as I am broken. And I took those issues and twisted them. I made sure he fought me and for that I am sorry. Not because it didn’t work out, but because it began at all. I shouldn’t have drawn the line in the sand. Now that it has been crossed I am not sure that I will be able to be a friend when he crosses that line with someone else. Not that I would in any way sabotage his happiness. I would just have to walk away entirely for my own sanity. Even though, I know what I’ve done. I would probably never be able to not draw the question of why not me. He will probably never read this and that’s okay and if he does, that’s fine too. I just need to put it out there on a public forum, that I am an ass. I am the truly broken and that I am sorry. We could have been great, but not in the way that most would think I mean. I’m not a good person. I’ve done things in my life that I will forever regret. The most important has been written in this blog before. I don’t hide what I do. I will forever regret the one commitment I needed to make and couldn’t. I will probably forever believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, but in that, the process of me going through this self-hate, I hope to never bring another good person down with me again. So, as I said, I don’t expect you will ever read this, but I’m sorry for what I did and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

As for the people who are actually reading this blog. I enjoyed reading your comments and emails. I don’t foresee myself partaking in any dating or anything noteworthy any time soon. And if I do decide to partake in that at some point, like everyone else on the planet, I should probably keep that between him and I. Besides, most likely, I’m just going to fuck it up anyway. LOL So, thank you for reading and may your life be filled with joy and hope for the future.

Happy Trails


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Judgment Day

I purely dating site related post.

1. Good lookin dude. Picture looks professional, yet in his backyard. Interesting. Very Posed. Age appropriate. Shows his hobbies. Really good posture and a tell-tale haircut. I'm looking at a Marine. Never married, wants kids, never had em. I say Yes. (Although I'm not motivated enough to follow that up with an email. I wonder what that does. I think it just throws me into their match rotation or maybe it sends them an email and says I'm interested. I really don't know) Damn I forgot to see how tall he was. Oh well.

2. Good lookin dude again. Fucking 30. Gimme a break. I don't need this crap. Although he is 6'2" and pretty cute. Only 2 pics, but they check out. Ehh. Fuck it. He sounds like me and like a grown up. Yes. Why the hell not. Moving on.

3. Freaking Bethesda, MD. If you followed this blog last year, you would know that was a hell no for me then. Well I moved an hour or better South of that location, so WTF are you showing me people a good 2 hours away at best. NOPE. Moving on.

4. Former Marine. Cute. Close to where I used to live. I can handle that commute, although I do not prefer it. I'll look further. 6'1" and 33. Ehhh. WTF I need more fire fighters in my life. Yes

5. Another Marylander and definitely not my type anyway. Not intrigued, not reading. Just moving on. Plus he writes in all caps. I don't need to be yelled at about how you WRITE POETRY!

6. He looks like he may have issues in all of his photos. Somehow this just makes me laugh. He's 34. I guess it's baby day! Personality is most important, we are going with yes.

7. HEY! He's 44. Thanks for someone older than me! I appreciate it. Weird selfies in the car. (This is almost as bad as the bathroom. Please, stop this) And one taken in the office where he is clearly trying to make it look like he didn't take it. Um, dude. We see your arm, may as well look at the camera. Anyway, Your pictures entertain me. Unfortunately, not in a good way. Moving on again.

8. 43, Good on the age part. Nice candid pics, taken by someone else. I don't know why, but I can just tell you. We would make polite party friends at a party where we don't know anyone and the host is busy. Other than that, we will probably find each other mildly annoying and wonder why everyone else likes the other. So, I'm going with no. (Yes, this is the path my brain takes on a regular basis)

9. No Picture. For those who may be joining us for the first time, this is an automatic GO FUCK YOURSELF! Having no picture means, not only will I not read the crap you spent time to type out on your dating profile, but I won't even look to see if you want kids, how tall you are or hell, if you're a man. It's an automatic fail and will be, here on out, just referred to as GO FUCK YOURSELF!

10. Not to be out done. We have another GO FUCK YOURSELF!

11. And one more for good measure. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! I gave him 3 exclamation points, because I felt he had become redundant.

This concludes our judging of the matches. Now we will judge our actual people showing interest. I will judge less harshly, because they put in effort and looked at me and said. WTF, It Valentine's Day. I'm eating a bag of Cheetohs...Alone... She might be more fun than orange fingers.

And A QUICK SIDE NOTE. I hadn't gotten around to actually clicking No on 11. We will just slightly (AND I MEAN SLIGHTLY) change his profile name. MURDERVILLE. YEP! He chose a screenname of "I'll Kill You Town" Seriously, Dude. Get therapy. And if you aren't a killer hoping for a funny moment in your stabbing spree. "Hey. I spelled it out for you. What were you expecting?" You have an IQ of 2. Also, I went back and checked 1's height and its 6 foot. Good enough for Government work. Unless Garners theory about all men who claim to be 6 foot are really 5'11 or shorter and don't want to admit it. Then this becomes problematic in heels. It was already problematic in heels, but it becomes grossly problematic.

I have 4 people who sent me a poke, so to speak.

One has a hidden profile. That seems weird and cheating.

Dear Mr. No2, You are too old for me and by too old, I mean by a lot. I said I wasn't going to be as mean, but you are pervy old.

Not pervy old. Slightly out of my age range, but he looks pervy old. More so than the first one. Maybe he's into Meth. OMG! I can't stop. I'm just a mean person. When did this happen? Probably at birth.

Nothing wrong with him but he's in his 20s. Probably trying to satisfy a Cougar goal, but afraid to commit to the full age gap. (That was nicer, right?)

I have 8 people who liked photos of mine

3 with hidden profiles. (Is this a thing now?)

2 Go Fuck Yourselves

1 Guy I looked at earlier. Perfectly acceptable, but he didn't want kids and its a deal breaker.

1 Oh wow. He's super short and really athletic. Right now I'd feel like I was hanging out with a tiny human or that I was a Gorilla. I'm not into the Gorilla feeling. Maybe I'll revisit when I've gotten back to a normal weight. LOL

1 His pictures are uber blurry and he won't tell me if he has kids or want them. He's divorced. Thats about all I know. Well, Mr. Blurry. You were nice and some how I'm intrigued by your almost Go Fuck Yourself photos. So now it's time to think of a non-committal way to return the nod. I will like one of your crappy photos. Take that!

A quick response to an email from the guy I said I probably wasn't interested in. I also noticed I have 2 Hi emails from the creepy old dude. Man, he's persistent!  Well that's enough for returning to old habits. I need to ease in a little bit.