Sorry I have not written in so long. Some of you may have guessed that I am seeing someone and I am. It’s the same friend that I mentioned before. This relationship has no future potential, but we seem to be highly compatible and are having a grand old time. Neither of us expects it to go anywhere. So we are just enjoying what we have. I realized that after I broke up with Bacon I said I would not put up walls and put my heart on a shelf and that is essentially what I have done. I didn’t realize it at the time. It came to me in dream, as sometimes clarity does. I realized by becoming infatuated with this man that is inevitably unavailable, I am playing the safe card. I am entering into a relationship that I know not to get invested into and that allows me to save myself heart ache. Of course there is the potential that one of us would develop deeper feelings at some point and that would cause them harm. But I’m enjoying what we have. I also, decided that I don’t care that that is what I’m doing. The distance between us and our mutual non-approving friends makes me keep the identity under wraps, but I have known him a long time and I feel safe in the anonymity. It kind of makes it more fun.
I have huge life changing revelations at hand and finding Mister Right probably isn’t what I should be doing at this time. The reelection of Obama means that I am most likely facing being laid off on January 1. I have mentioned before that my life with the kid is a nightmare. I have been medicated for anxiety for over a year and I’m also on a tranquilizer on an as needed basis. I don’t take it nearly as often as I used too. I think I have gotten a bit used to the stress. In October, I started struggling with heart attack symptoms. I’m a tough girl who doesn’t like to go to the doctor so I just repeatedly dosed myself with aspirin, but I had the chest pain and the arm pain and the jaw pain that is indicative of women having a heart attack. When I had my drunken weekend with my running friends at the end of October the weight was lifted and by the end of the weekend the jaw, arm, and chest pain had subsided. It returned shortly after I picked the kid up, but thankfully it was never as bad and I seem to be in a good place now. Possibly because I quit smoking and started running again. I informed social services that I was not willing to do this long term any more. I actually told them this in August.
I never thought I would put myself before someone else, but when it came down to if I might live or die. I realize I had made the right decision. I thought I was tough enough and strong enough to take on this challenge, but clearly I was wrong. I cried when I told the social worker and I told her I feel like I only made her life worse, because I’m just another person walking away. She told me that couldn’t be possible. I have done more for her then anyone has. I hope that won’t always be the case. I told the social worker that I wasn’t just kicking her out. I wanted them to find her ideal home. Her forever home and not feel rushed. So they have been searching for the last couple of months. I have her until at least some time in January, because a move in the holidays would be upsetting, well more then usual. We will do visitation with the new family and they have actually located some biological family that isn’t in trouble, so she may actually end up with blood. So that would be great. I also volunteered to do respite for the new family. She is a very difficult child and even in a two parent household (which is ideal for her because they could share the stress) it would still be a lot. So I offered to take her for the weekend once a month. Which would means that my family and I will remain a part of her life. Which I hope continues forever. I don’t want her to think I hate her. I will also remain her educational advocate and make all decisions for her schooling and any therapy that she receives as part of the school environment.
So, in light of all that, dating someone new just doesn’t seem like the right course of action. I would rather have fun when I can and the not often aspect of it is probably ideal. I don’t need the stress of anything new and I don’t need to try to figure out how to go on dates and what to do with her when I do. I feel I should spend as much time with her as possible now and make these times as good as possible. She knows I have tried and she sees that it is the end, but we haven’t told her yet. We want to get the right family identified first so she doesn’t do a complete tailspin.
If you have something negative to say, please keep it to yourself. This is an impossible decision I have had to make and I’m not comfortable with it still. I can’t ever put into words the trying things that have happened in the last year and a half and honestly I wouldn’t. It’s none of your business, her behavior and the things she does are hers. I’m not here to exploit her. Even if I know you, I wouldn’t tell you half of everything. Not even my family has a full picture of the day-to-day I go through. But just for a small idea, not one person except my mother could take her for an overnight. Other foster parents and really great friends have tried, just to give me a break and they end up calling me to pick her up or resigning for being a respite provider. I have found a miracle woman who is going to take her for a third time this coming weekend. She was originally interested in adopting her, but after the first weekend, she withdrew her application. I think she feels sorry for me, so she decided to give me a break when she can. Which comes down to once almost every other month. And god bless her for that.
So I want to end on a happier note, Did I mention that he is hot and he makes me feel really good about myself? That’s about perfect for me right now.