Fuck it. I wrote one!

So, I’m having a shit night. It’s not really about the night, just the situation I guess. I got word this week that we have an interview with a group home for the kid on Feb 7. Again, this is not what I wanted for her and it makes me feel horrible. I honestly think it is for the best though. I am firmly implanted in my belief that she is a sociopath. She killed all of our fish except for one over the Christmas holiday and she had no visible response. When I confronted her about it and said that they were fish and babies and that they had hearts and pumped blood. She was still stoic. And then 20 minutes later, she was laughing and said “I didn’t know fish had hearts” I know they are only fish, but they were her pets and some of them belonged to her cousins. And it bothers me that there is no sadness. I don’t expect open weeping, but at least a frown. I started to think after that. What would be a more open display of a sociopath? I imagined a wild bird coming up and landing beside her. It was cute and sweet and let her pet it. She needed to do something else, but she wanted to play with the bird later, so she broke its wing so it couldn’t fly away. I could see her doing this. People seem to get confused about a sociopath. It’s a lack of the ability to feel empathy, not to feel emotion. Only their emotion matters. The social worker is not on the same page as me, she does think she will be diagnosed with a personality disorder once she turns 18, either Borderline or Historianic. I honestly, don’t know what the second one is.

The fire alarm went off in our apartment complex this week. She went to school and told all her teachers, that our house burned down and that we were moving in with her grandparents. We don’t even have grandparents that are together. This is coupled with the fact that she told me, it’s a new year and she was going to try harder. (I’ve heard the I’m going to try so many times I can no longer count) Instead, this is the second day she is going to school. A place where I am not supervising and the second day of screw ups. The first day, she stole a ring from me and tried to give it to one of her teachers, lied to the social worker and said therapy was cancelled (thankfully the social worker is smarter then most and escorted her in), then went to the after school program and said she sprained her ankle and sat around with her ankle on ice all afternoon. It would be one thing if this was occasional, but its daily. I can’t do it anymore.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel horrible that quitting gives me such relief but it does. I really thought that if I took in a teenager, it would just take time and consistency and things would start to show improvement, but they have only gotten worse. The more she feels secure the more she acts like an asshole.

I’m sorry that these blogs have tilted in this direction, but this currently envelopes my entire life. There isn’t a moment of peace. I am literally counting down the days. Fresh start and a new me. I won’t give her up completely. I plan to still see her and have her be a part of this family. I just can’t do day in and day out anymore. It’s tearing me apart.

Judge if you will. This is my life.

Awesome