So, I’ve been on a downward spiral. Last month was horrible, most of December was horrible. I am no longer a mom, which as you know was going to happen. The kid was removed last week and placed in a facility to get the help she needs. She will be there for 45 days and then be placed with a new foster family. I am still taking her out for trips and talking to her, this should dissipate when the new family comes into play. I was so full of anger and sadness before that I almost couldn’t function and I was reaching to anything for a vice to survive. To change my mood and let me relax. Smoking, eating, drinking. Whatever. Sadly, exercise, one of my known vices was not in that list. I think part of it was self punishment. Grant it, it was gluttoness self punishment, but punishment all the same. Smoking is bad, I don’t enjoy it and I hate the way it makes me smell and feel after. Aside from that, no one wants to be around a smoker and it served as a further isolator to the people I am normally around. Drinking, well come on, that’s a given a mood changer in a bottle. One that kills you slowly or quickly depending on the speed at which you drink and again one that carries social stigmas. Eating: Tastes so good, but another slow killer, also an excellent isolator. People treat you differently when you are fat. They look at you and assume you are lazy or stupid. That you have no willpower. Basically that you are worthless. I’ve been both fat and skinny and I know the difference in the way people treat you. I also think it’s a way to push away men. Far fewer men like big women and if you have one and then get fat, most aren’t interested in sticking around for that.
Most of the time I really didn’t want to get out of bed. Which seems odd, because most of my dreams are about the kid and I am completely anxiety ridden. Like I have forgotten to pick her up or take care of her or missed her doctor appointment. In my dreams they are finding ways to give her back, telling me I’m not really free. Telling me they know they said they have this placement for her, but it fell through and they need me to take her back, just for a little while. I know this will taper down and I have noticed that I am laughing more and fewer people are randomly approaching me in the hallway asking if I’m okay. People who have no idea about what has happened. You know its bad when people who don’t know your business and barely know you are cornering you.
Anyway, it is getting better. I’m laughing more. Trying to get out a little more. Taking my tranquilizers for the anxiety less. I’m getting by. I don’t think during all of that was the time to give up every bad vice I had, it just made me spiral with them all, curled up in a ball on my couch. So, I’m going to give up a thing a day. I know that sounds really odd, but it’s a start. And hopefully most days will be all things, but as long as I still have one thing on each day, I will consider it a success. Smoking needs to be all days. I want that to be all days. But even if I slip, I’m not going to beat myself up, if I ate healthy and properly portioned meals all day. If I smoke, I’m sure drinking would have been involved, its really the only time I ever slip. So I know that won’t be my good thing for that day. If I slip and eat a bunch of cheese and crackers, fine as long as I ran 4 miles, or I didn’t smoke, or I didn’t drink. Preferably, all reaming three. So this is my new plan. The don’t beat myself up plan. I’ve been doing enough of that already. Its time to let it go and start learning to be me and love me again.
I can’t fix every broken person I come across and I can’t let myself break trying either.