I don’t have a clue what I’m doing! I don’t think I ever did. The year of Awesome was supposed to be all about me bettering myself and getting to know myself. It has somehow morphed into me doing whatever I want and just saying fuck it. Really not appropriate. The days are brighter now though and my load seems lighter. I’ve always been a “water off my back” kind of girl, but I’ve always had morals and I just seem to be compromising them left and right lately. Let one thing slide, let something else slide.
Maybe I need a moral overhaul. I do know I need to put the over-analyzer to bed. That is not healthy no matter what! I just got back from my super fantastic fun time vacation. And it was fun. I got to catch up with some old friends, one that I hadn’t seen in probably 13 years or better. I had a great spa day that left me covered in bruises from head to toe (Deep Tissue) At least I think that is what caused the bruises. I had a fabulous dinner out eating lobster and oysters with a delicious pistachio ice cream for dessert. Even went to the movies and drank beer and went for a 4 mile run through a picturesque park. Lots of good stuff and of course, lots of needed time with the Friend watching TV, sleeping and ehem, other activities.
Our hotel was kind of sketch. It had a hot tub in the middle of the bedroom, looked like it was taken straight out of an 80s horror flick, actually the day we checked in I think we were the only ones in the hotel and it was super creepy! Very Shining. The hotel staff was a bit rude too. They kept knocking on my door as soon as I got out of the shower and then would get snarky with me when I wouldn’t let them in the room. The last day, the maid knocked on my door (with a Do Not Disturb sign on it) and asked if I had a late checkout. I said no. Checkout is noon, right? She said yes and then tapped her watch and said, it’s 11. Which means we have an hour, go the fuck away! I didn’t say that last part, but I think I may write a strongly worded email to the effect.
I had my first PRE pre-natal appointment today. Everything is good. I’m all thumbs up for baby making and as soon as my birth control wears off, I should be all fertile and stuff. I pick the kid up for an outing on Sunday. I’m taking her and the dog to lunch or something, so she can see the dog again. She had called and left a message before I even checked out of the hotel. I’m struggling with all of this, but somehow this makes it harder. Everyone says my continued involvement is good for her, but just as she voiced on the phone message, she doesn’t want to try with the new family and she just wants to stay with this one. I’m afraid my proximity will dissuade her from bonding with the new family. I’m still not walking away. It’s not in my DNA. I just can’t do it. God, this paragraph makes me want a glass of wine. The new family gets introduced Saturday. Maybe that will start the tables turning. My anxiety is just through the roof. I wakeup in panic attacks feeling like I forgot her somewhere.
Anyway, this weekend made me realize the Year of Awesome isn’t getting me any closer to knowing myself. I’m just as lost as ever, if not more. I’ve done things that I would never think I would be capable of and did them without a second thought. It’s like I’m running on some weird auto-pilot that just shorts and says fuck it! Oh well, things will settle out. The further I get away from that dark day, perhaps the better I will feel. It’s weird to be planning a family while tearing my first one apart. I haven’t even talked to the Cop much lately. He’s probably changed his mind. LOL Oh well, if that is the case, so be it. That’s fate. I’ll find a new course.
I had some sake with dinner last night. No more then usual, but body was acting weird anyway. The further I got away from lunch the more full I felt. By the time I got to the sushi place, I wasn’t sure I could actually eat, but I knew I should. I wasn’t going to drink, but I’m a regular so they just brought it to me. I ate less then usual, but certainly not sparsely. When I got home, I just went from feeling a little warm to shit-canned drunk in no time flight. I picked a fight with my brother, with the Friend, thankfully I managed not to talk to anyone else except the Jarhead. And he just listened to me and told me I was overreacting. I’m glad that friendship is mending. I had missed my fake brother. Christ, I just realized I have a lot of male friends…Maybe that is part of my problem.
I woke up several times in the night with horrifying anxiety over what I had done and said. I had to get up and take a tranquilizer, which didn’t seem to kick in for hours. But I lay there feeling my heart pound in my chest. I snuggled up with my dog and thought if I just listened to her slow breathing it might calm me down, but I could hear and feel her heart beat and it seemed as rapid as mine and just made me more anxious. If I had just looked at my phone, I probably would have calmed down. Everyone seems to have forgiven me for my bad behavior. I don’t know why I suddenly just wanted to push everyone away, to burn the bridges so they would never want to cross them again. I’m better now. Calmer. Talking to the social worker about the kid and her behavior. I just feel like my life is pulling me in 100 different directions and I don’t know where I want to go, so I just stand in the middle and let myself get tugged back and forth, here and there. I think I just need some nicer weather. I need to sit in the sunshine.